Hide the butter knife, I just saw a picture of myself.
Lately I have been taking photo’s of myself with my smartphone when I am feeling low in spirit. This way I can inspect the photo to see just how fat I really am. I can ask myself questions of moral integrity such as “If I was someone else looking at me would I think that chick is a fatty?” or “If I met this women on the street would I think she looks old and likes cookies?” I discovered a few things about this exercise. One, it does not help to eliminate my crippling self doubt, second, at forty four years old I can in fact take an ugly picture of myself. I don’t mean to sound unjustifiably conceited but in my twenties and thirties I was very photogenic. I don’t remember having an ugly picture of myself taken. In fact I was often too proud of the photos. It has come as a rather humbling awakening that at this age/stage of my life I more often have ugly pictures of myself taken than attractive one’s. I don’t remember the double chin in my twenties or the cracking dessert skin. I don’t remember looking at a picture of myself in my twenties and thinking ” Well, that’s just fucking scary” I certainly remember posing with an ugly or silly expression on my face, but somehow with the miracle of youth and photography it would just turn out to look like a photo of a pretty woman trying to look ugly. That is not the case today. If I try to look pretty it ends up a photo of an old and ugly woman looking like an old and ugly woman. So what is the lesson or moral of this story? No, really, what is it? I want you to tell me. When plagued with self doubt and loathing put down the smartphone camera? or perhaps except that I am a woman of mature age and every photo of me will from this day on reflect that? I may need to ponder this one a bit longer. While I am pondering I’m going to have a cookie and take a picture of myself to see what I look like while I’m eating. Then I will update my Will and hide the kitchen knives.
- Posted in: My Daily Bread