Author Archive: Funny Lady

New Diet

Everyone around me is losing weight. I need to get serious, as of tonight I will no longer consume food or alcohol while I sleep. Advertisements

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Black Cat Ninja

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Black Cat Ninja

I awoke this morning to find another dead hummingbird in our living room. The current count is three. Out of the three black ninja sisters I am positive it is Agatha. She is the smallest and has the most to prove. If animals can be gay she is the one to lead the parade, not …

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Happy Mommies Day

I received my Mother’s Day gifts this morning. William made a clay owl at school. William’s card said he thinks I am prettiest when I am sleeping. My husband disagreed. Louis gave me a card. I was a bit concerned about his card. I was making dinner last night while he was writing it. He …

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Hide the butter knife, I just saw a picture of myself.

Lately I have been taking photo’s of myself with my smartphone when I am feeling low in spirit. This way I can inspect the photo to see just how fat I really am. I can ask myself questions of moral integrity such as “If I was someone else looking at me would I think that …

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Birds and the Bee’s

It’s  interesting how boys will interpret “The Talk”. I was saying goodnight to my boys, the nine year old was not in bed yet. He was still upstairs finishing his homework with his Dad. (or at least it started out that way)  Later I would find out from my husband that he was blindsided during …

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Shitting My Way to Heaven

Second day of the trots. What I mean by ‘trots’ is that I have soup ass. What I mean by ‘soup ass’ is that I am on day two of shitting my pants. I did manage to drive the boys to school without shitting in the Uplander. It helped that I was distracted by a …

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What I wouldn’t do for a Rum and Eggnog.

Came home early tonight from a Mom’s night. (10:00) Walked in the front door to complete silence. Dogs in crate, boys and husband in bed. I stood for a moment breathing in the peace. I didn’t want to leave it. I decided to stay up. Watch some trash TV and have another drink. In the …

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Rock On

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Racoon Warfare

I woke up this morning to an artistic display of anarchy compliments of the local racoon gang. Our garbage can was knocked over and the contents spread across the driveway. The focal point of the exhibit was my bloody feminine hygiene pads ripped apart and laundered throughout the array of chicken bones and egg shells. …

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